Struggles and Love

I have a lot of trouble accepting when things are out of my hands.  I have a hard time accepting that things aren't my fault.  It's one of my ISFJ quirks.

For example, my break-up (Yes, I'm talking about that again, I'll try to keep it short).  I've been told that there's nothing I could do to change the outcome, that I can't fix it.  I've been told that it had absolutely nothing to do with me. But no matter what I do, no matter how many people tell me otherwise, I simply cannot believe that this break-up had absolutely nothing to do with me.  I won't go into detail, but this break-up was unexpected.  Like, out-of-the-blue, blindsided, "Where the hell did that come from?!" unexpected.  I can't get it out of my head that I must have done something to make the other half want to step out of the relationship. What could I have done differently? Should I have been more attentive? Where there huge, flashing signs that I just didn't see?  How could my relationship just end so abruptly and it have absolutely nothing to do with me?  How can someone choosing to cut me out of their life have absolutely nothing to do with me?  

I struggle with this so much.  It consumes me.  It's the last thing I think of when I go to bed and the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning.  I see things that remind me of him and all I can think is, "What did I do to make the relationship not worth the time or effort anymore?  What did I do to make someone think that their life was better off without me? What did I do to drive him away from me?"  I try to distract myself.  I try to ignore these thoughts.  I hide them and ignore them and keep myself busy until I just can't take it anymore and I start sobbing while I'm brushing my teeth or sitting in class or folding my laundry because I just don't understand.  I hide it until it hits me like a wall and knocks me out.  I keep asking, "When will this start to get easier?  Why isn't this getting easier?"  But I know it can't get any easier until I can get these thoughts out of my head.  And as much as I try, these thoughts don't look like they plan on leaving anytime soon.  It's hard to not just give up and let them take over.  

No revelations.  No ideas.  Sometimes, you need to just write your emotions out and put them out there.    Because hiding emotions is definitely not working for me.

Well, oops.  Well, I did only say I'd TRY to keep the break-up talk short.  I didn't make any promises. 

Let's move onto something more positive, shall we.  Perhaps something like....

Day 5: Someone I Love!

Blogisphere, meet Papaw.  Papaw gets more than one picture because I love him that much.

I have a special love for and bond with all of my Grandparents.  But Papaw is the one most involved in my day to day life.  I've lived within a block of him my entire life.  I can see his pride in me in his eyes every time I walk in the room, but he won't hesitate to call me out when I'm being irrational.  He's my Papaw and he is someone I love.