One Last Peek in the Rearview Mirror

Once again, I found this little gem over at Little Mrs. Married.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

I went to New York City, Center of the Universe.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

My 2011 resolution was to keep a journal, which I kind of kept up with.  My twitter journal is kind of empty in the middle, but luckily I have four years to make up for it, seeing as its a 5-year journal.

This year, I have one resolution: To take better care of myself.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

A couple of my friends welcomed beautiful baby girls this year.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

I didn't know him personally, but a young man in my theatre community was killed in a car accident this past September.  Theatre communities tend to be really tight-nit and his loss was definitely felt throughout this entire community, even by those of us who weren't lucky enough to know him.

5. What countries did you visit?

No border crossing for me this year.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you didn’t have in 2011?

I know I've opened up a lot on this blog, but I think I'm going to refrain from answering this question on here.  At the moment, I think this answer is too personal to share.

7. What dates from 2011 will be etched upon your memory, and why?

My week in New York in April, getting together and making things "official" with my boyfriend, losing my boyfriend.

8. What was your biggest achievement of this year?

Getting things together so that I could graduate from undergrad in three years instead of four.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I don't know if I could tag anything as a "failure," this year.  I guess some could say that since my relationship ended, then it was a failure.  But I gave that relationship my all—mind, body and soul.  I don't want to think about something that I gave so much of myself to as a failure.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Luckily, no!  Usually, my immune system sucks, but I started taking vitamin C at the beginning of the year and didn't get sick nearly as much as I usually do.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I treated myself to an awesome TV and Blu-Ray player when I moved into my apartment at the beginning of the semester (and I got a good price!) Plus, I think I did pretty awesome on the Christmas present front this year :)  That feeling you get when you've found the perfect present for someone is one of the best feelings in the world.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

I have better parents than I deserve.  The last few months of 2011 were tough on the Wright kids and I am so lucky to have parents who have been by my side through this whole mess.  I am thankful for them every minute of every day.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

The PostSecret App was shut down earlier this week because of a few people posting a ton of malicious content.  It got so out of control that there was no way the moderators could keep up with it.  It makes me so sad because I've actually gotten some support from that app the past couple of months.  It's so sad how a few malicious people can ruin someone that is so beneficial for so many.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Food, gas, Amazon.com and Anne Taylor Loft.

15. What did you get really excited about?

For a while, I was really excited about my future.  For now, I'm just kind of meh.  It's kind of hard to be excited about anything right now. 

I am excited about my future career, though.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?

Fade Into You—Mazzy Star

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder?  Sadder.  Much sadder.

b) thinner or fatter? Thinner. 

c) richer or poorer? Rich is not normally a word I use to describe myself, but I am richer now than I was last year.  I got better about saving my money this year.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Living in the moment.

Praying.

Taking care of myself.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Giving my negative emotions more control than my positive emotions.

20. How will/did you spend Christmas?

I spent Christmas with my family in North Carolina.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?

Over and over again. I know it was love because I still feel it even though he doesn't anymore.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Gilmore Girls and Big Bang Theory.

23. What was the best book you read?

Guys, this is awful.  I cannot name a single book that I read this year.  It was all textbooks.  

Maybe I should add that to my list of resolutions: Read More. 

Or could that possibly be grouped into "Take Better Care of Myself"?  I think it could.

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Really started listening to Ben Folds this year.  It started with his University Acapella album and grew from there.

25. What did you want and get?

  An apartment and a super flexible, wonderful job.

26. What did you want and not get? 

I wanted to keep my boyfriend.

27. What was your favorite film of 2011?

Shakespeare in Love.  I know, it came out way before 2011, but I didn't see it until this past year and I am completely in love with it.

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 20.  My mom made me a wonderful dinner and cake at home, which was very nice.  Unfortunately, it was only 9 days after my relationship ended, so....I cried.  A giant german chocolate cake was put in front of me and I cried. 

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

My relationship not ending. I wish both parties would have felt that it was worth the effort.

I feel like a broken record, but it is what it is.  

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2011?

Simple, classic, understated.  I'm not a fan of flashy outfits, especially not on me.

31. What kept you sane?

A family that loves me more than I deserve, my cat, Misty, this blog, wonderful friends, and rekindling my relationship with God.

32. What political issue stirred you the most?

The war on Women's Reproductive Rights that is happening in our country terrifies me.

I am not ashamed to say that I am pro-choice.  I doesn't mean I am pro-abortion.  It means that when it comes to another woman's body, I believe that neither I nor the government should have any say in the matter. 

33. Who did you miss?
Broken Record.  

My ex-boyfriend. (It still feels so wrong to use that term to refer to him.  And I have to try really hard to ignore the fact that that means he refers to me as his ex-girlfriend or else I'll fall off the deep end.)

34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

It is ok to cry.  It is ok to hurt.  It is ok to love.  And when in doubt, pray. 

35. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." - Moulin Rouge

I actually wasn't crazy about that movie the first time I saw it. I actually really liked the story, but the crazy filming style made me feel anxious and panicky and like I was constantly on the verge of passing out, which isn't fun.  But that quote hasn't left my head since I saw it.  I love it.  It's so true. I was going to wait a few months and then give it Moulin Rouge rewatch, but....shit happened.

Thoughts on 2011

Tomorrow marks the first day of a new year.  A fresh start.  A clean slate.

You would think that after the last two months, I would be ready to say, "Good riddance, 2011!"  But I'm not so sure that I am.  I may even be a little sad to see it go.

2011 was a big year for me.  Yes, it ended on a really long, low, bad note. My break-up was an unwelcome shock that left me in the greatest pain I've ever known and with a lot of emotions to sort through.  I feel like I'm still in the first stage of grief: Shock and Denial.  I find myself thinking so often "Oh my gosh...that really happened.  He really doesn't want me anymore.  This isn't a nightmare.  This is my life.  And I'm expected to get used to this.   How did this happen?"  I feel like I've barely made a dent in working through this mess.

But the reason I am in so much pain is because, throughout the entire relationship up until the moment before he said "I love you but I have to break-up with you," I was so unbelievably happy.  Like, giggly, smiley, singing all the time, butterflies in my stomach, doing cartwheels, this-should-be-illegal happy.  I miss that happiness so much. And I really miss my ex-boyfried. Not just the companionship. Not just having someone to call boyfriend and kiss on New Years Eve. I miss him: his quirks, his flaws, the entire package.  And that happiness is the reason I'm not ready to "kick 2011 to the curb." 2011 brought me the greatest happiness I've ever known.  Despite the pain it's also brought me, how could I say good riddance to a year that brought me such happiness?

Also, I was not prepared for how difficult the new year would be post-break-up.  I knew that spending New Years Eve without him was going to be hurt.  I was not ready for how starting the new year without him was going to hurt even more.  New years are always kind of scary for me.  On January 1, you face 365 days of unknowns.  You may have some specific plans like "Go to New York" or "Buy a house" or "Start college," but as for your work, your relationships, your finances...you really have no clue what is going to happen.  You may get laid-off or lose a close family member or have to pay a huge unexpected medical bill after falling or get dumped.  After being in a relationship where I felt such reassurance and comfort and love and trust, facing that uncertainty without that person there is even scarier.  Part of me wishes I could just hide under the covers with a flashlight and my teddy bear until I'm given the all-clear.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could do that and just have someone come along once the bad stuff is over and say, "You're safe!  The scary part is over.  Now enjoy the rest of your year and this complimentary ice cream cone"?

I learned a lot in 2011. I changed a lot in 2011. I gained a lot in 2011. An then I lost a lot in 2011.

Tonight, Times Square will be filled with crazy, intoxicated partygoers. Parties will be thrown, champagne will be drunk, sparkly dresses will be worn,  people will proudly and loudly demonstrate their ability to count backwards from 10, and people all over the world will kiss the person they love.  I will crawl into bed early, write in my diary, say a prayer, and let my 2011 leave quietly.  I will wake up on Sunday morning and begin working my way through 2012, one baby step at a time.

Of course, this wouldn't be a new years post without some mention of a resolution.

This year, I resolve to take better care of myself, both physically and emotionally.  Plain and simple when you put it on paper.  Not so much when put into action.  I'm not very good at making myself, my health, and my well-being a priority.  If you could be a fly on the wall inside my head, you would probably agree that I could definitely makes some improvements in that area.

I would also really like to do a better job of keeping up with this blog.  I know I put some very personal, emotional things on this blog and some people may think I'm crazy or dramatic or just seeking attention.  But writing here has helped me work through so many rock bottoms the past 11 + weeks.  Being completely honest on here means I have to be completely honest with myself.  A lot of the time, I don't even realize that I'm feeling something until, suddenly, there it is all typed out in front of me. Blogging is therapeutic.  I know a lot of bloggers will probably agree with me on this.

How does the New Year make you feel?  Am I the only one who thinks it's scary?  Do you make New Years resolutions?

A New Year

The holidays are over. Brother has gone back to New York. I've had a few quiet days to think. And by "think," I mean watch movie and tv shows on Netflix Instant Watch and play Mario Kart Wii. But as I was climbing into bed at 3:00 this morning, I started to think about what I promised myself I would do last year and what I want to accomplish this year. Here's what I came up with:

Resolution for 2010: Start/Maintain a Blog

I kind of/sort of accomplished this. I thought it was the best way to keep record of what was bound to be a big year. I started a blog on New Year's Day, but I made the mistake of expecting myself to update it regularly. And I found that the only times I wanted to write, I couldn't write on the blog because the things I was dealing with were too personal. Around September, I deleted all of the old posts on the blog, started over, and vowed not to take it too seriously. I think I've kept with it pretty well since. So let's go ahead and call this one accomplished.

Resolutions for 2011: Keep a Journal

For Christmas, I got what I call my Twitter journal. It's a five year journal with a page for every day of the year. On each page are 5 spaces for you to write a little blurb about the day. I love it because it's easy to keep up with, but there's not enough space to write any deep thoughts or anything. I've tried journaling in the past, but I find it difficult to keep with it (Literally! journals are so easy to lose! I'm hesitant to write my private thoughts down in a book that someone could easily swipe and read). So, I Google searched for online journals and found . For free, I can get a basic online journal that isn't visible to the public. I can even password protect it every time I leave it and set it to send me e-mails to remind me to write. It looks promising. I hope I can keep up with it. 2011 is going to be a tough year and I'm going to need an outlet like a journal to keep me sane.

Get Better at Mario Kart on Wii: This one's just for fun, but there are some people that I would like to be able to beat on Mario Kart races :)

Don't Stress Eat: Bad habit. It makes me fat. That's bad.

And my cat is looking at me with eyes that say "Don't forget me!" So let's add "Pay More Attention to my Cat, Misty"

No No No

Yet another video that I absolutely adore because it is cute and makes me smile:



I want a baby.

And Happy 2011. I hope you made a wish on 1.1.11 and I hope you had some cabbage and black eyed peas. I did and now my stomach is filled with good fortune. Yum.

And one more thing. Netflix instant streaming is the most amazing, wonderful, beautiful thing ever created. I have spent the last few days reliving my childhood and watching lots of Rugrats.

A Year in Review

2010 has been a big year.

I graduated from high school and started college.

I completely changed my career plans.

I started the process of leaving home and becoming independent.

I was recognized as an actor among my peers.

I found myself on the edge of an eating disorder and discovered why therapy is important.

I learned what it means to love and I learned to cope with the idea that some things are not meant to be.

I learned what it means to trust a person with all of your being.

I've been hurt.

I've grown a lot as a person this year. But I still have a ways to go. I've gone from being 100% sure of my future to having no clue at all where my life is going, then back to being sure of what I want, but open to suggestions. My whole world was turned upside down and I found myself depending on others to keep me going, whether they knew it or not.

2010 was a really difficult year. But it made me step back, look at myself and my life, think about what I really want, and then learn how to deal with that fact that I am not going to get everything I want. And I never will.

Here's to 2011. May it cause just as much growth, bring just as many tears, bring closure to all of the cliffhangers in my life, and teach me what it means to be happy without caution or boundaries.

I'll drink to that.