You would think that after the last two months, I would be ready to say, "Good riddance, 2011!" But I'm not so sure that I am. I may even be a little sad to see it go.
2011 was a big year for me. Yes, it ended on a really long, low, bad note. My break-up was an unwelcome shock that left me in the greatest pain I've ever known and with a lot of emotions to sort through. I feel like I'm still in the first stage of grief: Shock and Denial. I find myself thinking so often "Oh my gosh...that really happened. He really doesn't want me anymore. This isn't a nightmare. This is my life. And I'm expected to get used to this. How did this happen?" I feel like I've barely made a dent in working through this mess.
But the reason I am in so much pain is because, throughout the entire relationship up until the moment before he said "I love you but I have to break-up with you," I was so unbelievably happy. Like, giggly, smiley, singing all the time, butterflies in my stomach, doing cartwheels, this-should-be-illegal happy. I miss that happiness so much. And I really miss my ex-boyfried. Not just the companionship. Not just having someone to call boyfriend and kiss on New Years Eve. I miss him: his quirks, his flaws, the entire package. And that happiness is the reason I'm not ready to "kick 2011 to the curb." 2011 brought me the greatest happiness I've ever known. Despite the pain it's also brought me, how could I say good riddance to a year that brought me such happiness?
Also, I was not prepared for how difficult the new year would be post-break-up. I knew that spending New Years Eve without him was going to be hurt. I was not ready for how starting the new year without him was going to hurt even more. New years are always kind of scary for me. On January 1, you face 365 days of unknowns. You may have some specific plans like "Go to New York" or "Buy a house" or "Start college," but as for your work, your relationships, your finances...you really have no clue what is going to happen. You may get laid-off or lose a close family member or have to pay a huge unexpected medical bill after falling or get dumped. After being in a relationship where I felt such reassurance and comfort and love and trust, facing that uncertainty without that person there is even scarier. Part of me wishes I could just hide under the covers with a flashlight and my teddy bear until I'm given the all-clear. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could do that and just have someone come along once the bad stuff is over and say, "You're safe! The scary part is over. Now enjoy the rest of your year and this complimentary ice cream cone"?
I learned a lot in 2011. I changed a lot in 2011. I gained a lot in 2011. An then I lost a lot in 2011.
Tonight, Times Square will be filled with crazy, intoxicated partygoers. Parties will be thrown, champagne will be drunk, sparkly dresses will be worn, people will proudly and loudly demonstrate their ability to count backwards from 10, and people all over the world will kiss the person they love. I will crawl into bed early, write in my diary, say a prayer, and let my 2011 leave quietly. I will wake up on Sunday morning and begin working my way through 2012, one baby step at a time.
Of course, this wouldn't be a new years post without some mention of a resolution.
This year, I resolve to take better care of myself, both physically and emotionally. Plain and simple when you put it on paper. Not so much when put into action. I'm not very good at making myself, my health, and my well-being a priority. If you could be a fly on the wall inside my head, you would probably agree that I could definitely makes some improvements in that area.
I would also really like to do a better job of keeping up with this blog. I know I put some very personal, emotional things on this blog and some people may think I'm crazy or dramatic or just seeking attention. But writing here has helped me work through so many rock bottoms the past 11 + weeks. Being completely honest on here means I have to be completely honest with myself. A lot of the time, I don't even realize that I'm feeling something until, suddenly, there it is all typed out in front of me. Blogging is therapeutic. I know a lot of bloggers will probably agree with me on this.
How does the New Year make you feel? Am I the only one who thinks it's scary? Do you make New Years resolutions?
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