I am having a lot of trouble feeling thankful this Thanksgiving.
How ridiculous is that? I'm awful! I know that I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a wonderful, loving family and incredibly supportive friends. I'm healthy and I have the means to see a doctor when necessary. I'm getting a great education. I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in. I have food on my plate, clean water and warm clothing. I have wonderful opportunities and a bright future.
I know that I have so much to be thankful for. I just don't feel thankful. I don't think about these things, smile and note how fortunate and lucky I am. I'm not saying that I take these things for granted. I just have to remind myself how fortunate I am. I've been struggling with a lot lately and feeling thankful is just something to add to the list.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I'm not excited. I'm not eagerly anticipating platefuls of turkey and green bean casserole and pecan pie. I have no clue what channel the parade is on or what time it even starts. Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays. It's all about food and family and love. It's the start of the Christmas season! I don't know what's wrong with me this year.
Actually, I do know what's wrong. If you had asked me two months ago how I thought my Thanksgiving would be, I would have painted you a different picture than the one I'm giving you now. I have made progress since my break-up. But the fact of the matter is, in my mind, there will be someone important to me missing from my family's table tomorrow. There's nothing I can do about that. And it just makes me really sad. I have been dreading Thanksgiving so much for the past month. I love Thanksgiving with my family so much and I was so excited to get to share that with my boyfriend and to get to share my boyfriend with my family. It hurts that I won't get to do that tomorrow. It really hurts.
So, here I am on this Thanksgiving eve. I'm having a lot of trouble feeling thankful because I'm really having a lot of trouble feeling anything other than sad. I've always known that the holiday season can bring out the best in people. This year, I'm learning that it can also draw attention to those who are absent in our lives.
There are people who live their entire life and never know what it means to be in love. At 20, I know what it means to love and trust someone with all of your being. I know the complete happiness and joy that one feels with every "You're beautiful" and "I love you." I have seen the gaze that can make your heart leap and I know how full that kind of love can make you feel. Yes, I have lost it. But at least I have known it.
That's something to be thankful for.
My friend Melissa posted this picture on her blog Little Mrs. Married earlier this week.
And you should read this post of hers too! When you're done, just imagine me standing over your shoulder saying "Ditto."
Have a happy Thanksgiving tomorrow, my lovely readers! Eat a lot, take a nap and enjoy time with those you love.
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