There is Hope!

I am not an incredibly socially suave person.  I'm awkward.  I don't say the right things.  Crowds make me nervous.  I don't like to drink.  I really can't be around cigarette smoke without getting sick.  I can't command the attention of a group of people.  And despite my love for theatre, I consider myself to be incredibly shy.

I'm kind of utterly hopeless.....or so I thought!

But according to this article, my shyness can actually be an asset to a long lasting relationship (that is, when the relationship's not yanked out from under me, but that's a completely different story that will likely never make it's way onto this blog).   It cites a study claiming that shy people are "more likely to stay in a monogamous relationship and are considered to be generally more trustworthy, loyal, relatable and cooperative."  

You want to know something about me?  I'm incredibly low maintenance.  I think some people may mistake that with being passive.  I just don't require that much.  A little love, a little attention, a few swedish fish every now and then and a hug at the end of a long day.  That's really all I require.  I like to give to people and do things for others, not because I expect anything in return, but because it makes me happy.    And once I've found something (or someone) I love, I do whatever I can to keep it.  I would never dream of cheating on my significant other or betraying that trust (actually, I did have a few dreams about cheating on my last boyfriend and always woke up feeling like I was about to vomit).

This study takes what so many see as a negative personality trait and proves that it can actually be an asset.  No, I am not any better at finding love than the social butterfly (in fact, I'm probably worse), but once I find love, I don't take it lightly and don't let it go easily.  I'm sure it has something that do with how hard this break-up has been (and still is) for me.  I the kind of person that will do any and everything I can to hang on to what I love.  And I don't see why that should be a bad thing. 

I am shy! Hear me roar......quietly!

One Step Forward, Twelve Steps Back

Today, I am incredibly sad. (So, warning: This post is going to be a major downer)

I cried today.  In class. Quite the pathetic sight.  And a new low considering that before this break-up, I could only cry in front of family and him.  Now I've cried in class, in parking lots, at red lights, in Rockefeller Square, in Time Square, at subway stops, in restaurants....you get the idea.

I haven't cried since Sunday, October 30th.  It's the longest I've gone without crying since my relationship ended and I really thought I was getting better.  But I'm starting to think that instead of getting better, I've been ignoring my sadness.  Just pushing it out of my head so that I can focus on the task at hand.  But now, I face an open weekend.  No work.  No classes.  Not a lot of studying.  No commitments.  All of those emotions I've been ignoring now stand front and center.

I'm sad.  I'm hurt.  I'm depressed.  I'm lonely.  I miss the man who used to be my boyfriend.  The man I used to watch movies with on a Saturday night.  

And it's not like I'm not trying.  I'm trying so hard to not let this consume me.  But it's a long, painful, arduous battle.  And while there have been small improvements, I still hurt just as much now as I did the moment he uttered the words "break-up."

My God, when will this get easier?  Why can't this get easier?

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Tuh-may-toe, Tuh-mah-toe

Hello everybody! I have a surprise for you today: A video blog!

This little quiz is a fun thing that I found on my favorite blog, Marriage Confessions, a while back!  I thought I'd give it a shot! Enjoy!

What's your accent?   What's my accent?

The instructions are to say these words:

Aunt, Route, Wash, Oil, Theater, Iron, Salmon, Caramel, Fire, Water, Sure, Data, Ruin, Crayon, Toilet, New Orleans, Pecan, Both, Again, Probably, Spitting Image, Alabama, Lawyer, Coupon, Mayonnaise, Syrup, Pajamas, Caught

And answer these questions:

What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house?

What is the bug that, when you touch it, curls into a ball?

What is the bubbly, carbonated drink called?

What do you call gym shoes?

What do you say to address a group of people?

What do you call the kind of spider that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs?

What do you call your grandparents?

What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket?  (I would also like to add that I call it a grocery store, not a supermarket)

What do you call it when the rain falls while the sun is shining?

What is the thing you use to change the TV channel?

Mending

I would be lying through my teeth if I said that I was over my breakup.  I am not.  Not even close.

My first serious relationship ended two weeks ago today.  For him, I'm sure it was clean cut.  But for me, it was not.  You remember how when you were a kid and you had a tooth that was so loose it was literally hanging by a single gummy thread?  You know that you should just pull the tooth because it hanging there is driving you nuts, but you don't want to because you're afraid it will hurt too much.  So you just let it hang until the tooth falls out on it's own.  It may fall off tomorrow.  It may take weeks or months.  That's how this break-up feels to me.  I don't want to just yank the tooth out because I know it's going to hurt a lot.  So it's just hanging there.

Adjusting to life without that someone is so difficult.  I know that all of you knew that already.  I knew that well before this relationship ever began. Everyday, I encounter countless moments that make me think "He would have gotten a kick out of that."  I find article/stories/pictures I would have posted on his Facebook wall.  I have personal triumphs that I would have boasted about to him.  I had a big test this morning.  I felt fantastic about how I did and my first instinct when I walked out of the classroom was to text him about how I did.  It wasn't until his name showed up on my phone screen that I realized that I couldn't do that anymore.  The triumph of acing the test didn't matter as much once I remembered that I can't share moments like that with him anymore.  And that's a really sad realization to face.  Those few minutes after the test, I was the most excited I've been about anything in 2 weeks.  To have to stop yourself from sharing that excitement with the person that you love is so disheartening.  It's heartbreaking.  I'm very lucky to have a wonderful friend that I could text to share my triumph with, one's who's already done so much for me throughout all of this.  But, I still miss getting to share those personal triumphs with him. I took a big step today and deleted his telephone number from my cell phone.  It was hard.  It hurt.  I hated doing it.  I hated myself for doing it.  But it was necessary.

Despite all of that, I honestly believe I've started to heal a little.  It's a very slow heal—just a tiny bit at a time.  But I think it's definitely there.  I've gotten some of my focus back (It's a miracle that I felt as good as I did about my test this morning considering I've had absolutely zero focus these past two weeks).  I actually felt cheery at work today.   I could feel the enthusiasm for school that I lost return a little bit today.  Very small things that I've always taken for granted are starting to peek their heads out from under the covers.  The hurt and the pain and the grief are not gone.  But they're becoming less consuming.  I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.  But I'm starting to hear rumors of its existence.  And I'm so grateful for that.  These past two weeks have been rough.  I've begged.  I'm pleaded.  I've sobbed.  I've cursed.  I've screamed.  I've had noise complaints from neighbors (so embarrassing). I've hurt the people who still love me.  I've lost my ever loving mind.  But you have to hit rock bottom before you can start making your way back to the surface.  I think I've hit that rock bottom (or at least I hope to God that I have.  Because if what I've experienced wasn't rock bottom, I'm terrified of what I'll find when I get there).

I think my mending has begun.  Little normalcies are making their way back. It's a very small start, but I'll take any sort of progress over where I've been.

Friendship

You guys, I have a confession to make:  I am an awful friend.

Or actually, I'm a nearsighted, lazy friend.  I'm horrible about keeping in touch and when I do actually keep in touch, it's usually only when it's convenient for me.

One thing I kept repeating to my now ex-boyfriend (That's the first time I've used that word...it's a little scary) after our break-up was "Relationships aren't easy.  They take work."  And that is 100% true.  Relationships don't just happen.  They take work and commitment from both parties, even when it's not convenient. You may have a huge test on Tuesday, but it doesn't mean that you can't do something for your S.O. on Monday night.  You have to tweak you schedule and perhaps go out of your way to do something, but you do it because your relationship and time with that person is meaningful to you.

Well, about 30 minutes ago, I had a freaking revelation.  Non-romantic relationships require that same work and commitment if you want them to work.  You can't just text your girlfriend to hang out because you have an unexpected empty Friday night and then ignore her the next week when she wants to make plans with you.  It's give and take, just like a romantic relationship (minus the kissy kissy and the sexy sexy).

And (this one I'm super guilty of) you can't just wait around for someone to reach out to you to do something.  You have to put on your grown-up panties and take some initiative.  Reach out to your friends! Come up with plans! Get lunch with a girlfriend between classes!  Catch a movie after work!  You have to take initiative to make friends too.  I've come to realize that sitting in class quietly and waiting for people to talk to you is not an effective way to make friends.  It just doesn't work.  Especially in my major, which is particularly popular among girls in sororities so everyone already had friends coming in.  I have to take my nose out of Facebook, turn to the person sitting next to me, and say, "Hi, I'm Emily.  What's your name?"

And now, the thing I am most guilty of.  Just because you are in a romantic relationship does not mean that the rest of your relationships can fall to the wayside and that new relationships don't matter anymore.  You shouldn't stop making friends and maintaining old relationships just because you have a significant other. I had to learn this the hard way.  If you don't maintain those friendships and your relationship suddenly goes kerplunk, what do you have to fall back on?  I am so incredibly lucky that I have friends who were still there for me despite my less than stellar record as of late, because I don't know where I would be right now without them.

I know, all of these points seem super obvious.  Because they are.  But something being obvious and taking something to heart are two completely different things.

So today, with all of you as my cyber witnesses, I am going to make a vow.  I vow to work harder at my friendships.  I vow to tear down my walls and reach out to people.  And I vow to appreciate each and every person who has ever given me their friendship, a moment of their time, or even a hello.  Because they are all important to me and added something unique and special to my life.



And just a sample of the wonderful friends that I have!

May I Have a Kitten?

My apartment doesn't allow pets.

I know, major bummer.

But I can blame myself for that.  When I was apartment hunting, no pets allowed was actually one of my requirements.  I love and adore animals, but I'm not in a place in my life where I have the time or money to care for a pet of my own.  Plus, I had nightmares of being paired with a roommate with a cat or dog that made messes everywhere that said roommate never cleaned up.  My brother experienced a cat situation with the first roommate in his current apartment that was so bad that the flooring in the closet where the roommate kept the litter box had to be replaced after he moved out.  That was enough to convince me that if I was going to live with a cat, it was going to be my own cat.

But, that has left me needing some serious kitty in my life.  My wonderfully sweet kitty Misty lives at home and I don't get to see her nearly as much as I want to.  Luckily, a wonderful new friend has introduced me to this:

http://org2.democracyinaction.org/o/5205/p/salsa/web/common/public/signup?signup_page_KEY=6361

Yes! A link!

Excited yet?  Huh? .....No?  Okay, let me explain.

Click on that link and you will be directed to a page featuring a video of kitties.  They may be playing, they may be sleeping, depends on your luck.  What's luck got to do with it, you ask?  Well, my inquisitive friend, that video is a live feed.  Whatever these kittens are doing at that exact moment is what you will see.  To the right of the video feed, you'll see an orange button.  Go ahead....click on it. Now you have to wait for your turn.  There's a countdown timer above the video so you know how long you'll have to wait. When it's finally your turn, buttons labeled 1, 2, and 3 appear, as well as arrow buttons.  The arrow buttons control the camera in the room and the 3 buttons above control....wait for it...CAT TOYS!  Yep...you, my lethargic friend, can play with these kittens from the comfort of your own couch/bed/toilet!  There are three toys in the room connected to some sort of magical robotic device that is somehow magically connected to your computer so that for two glorious minutes, you can play with these kitties.

I know.  Magical.

So...why are you still here?  Why are you not playing with kitties?  Why am I not playing with kitties?!

Before I rush off to get in line before you, I leave you with pictures of my own beautiful animals:

Hunter, my sweet, senile Hound dog.

Harley, the sweetest kitty until he decides he's bored with you. Once he's bored, watch out.

Misty, my lovable, sweet, perfect angel who likes to do chalk drawings with me.

Sweet dreams, cyber friends.

Absence

So...I uh....kind of haven't given this blog any thought in about 6 months.

 I've been happy. I've been in love. A comfortable love. I've been distracted (in a good way) and this just kind of fell to the wayside.

Well, all of that has changed. Last week my heart was broken. I'm still hopelessly in love. In fact, I think I'm even more in love now than I was 10 days ago. But now that love isn't returned. Sad, sad situation. I'm in the middle of writing a long blog post about all of that, but I'm debating on whether or not I should post it. On one hand, I think I would be very therapeutic for me to write everything out and put it out there. But on the other hand, this isn't all about me. Despite my heartbreak and pain, I have to remember that I wasn't the entire relationship. I was only 50% and in writing about my relationship, I'm also writing about someone else's relationship. It would be very easy to start pointing fingers and naming names, so I have to be very careful.

 So, let's just leave it at that for now. I'm back! The circumstances absolutely suck beyond reasonable suckitude, but it is what it is. I'm excited about getting back on the blogging bandwagon :)

 On a different note, oh my goodness! There have been quite a bit of you stopping by in my absence! My highest visit count ever was this past September: 635 of you wandered by! I don't know what you were looking for, but I'm glad you stopped by! There should be something to read here sometime in the immediate future :) Perhaps even something totally awesome!

 And on that note, I leave you with a video that makes me giggle uncontrollably, no matter how sad I may be: