Something to Be Thankful For

Y'all, I have an awful confession to make—one that is going to make me seem like the most awful person on the face of the earth.

I am having a lot of trouble feeling thankful this Thanksgiving.

How ridiculous is that?  I'm awful! I know that I have a lot to be thankful for.  I have a wonderful, loving family and incredibly supportive friends. I'm healthy and I have the means to see a doctor when necessary. I'm getting a great education. I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in. I have food on my plate, clean water and warm clothing.  I have wonderful opportunities and a bright future.

I know that I have so much to be thankful for.  I just don't feel thankful.  I don't think about these things, smile and note how fortunate and lucky I am.  I'm not saying that I take these things for granted.  I just have to remind myself how fortunate I am.  I've been struggling with a lot lately and feeling thankful is just something to add to the list.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  I'm not excited.  I'm not eagerly anticipating platefuls of turkey and green bean casserole and pecan pie.  I have no clue what channel the parade is on or what time it even starts.  Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays.  It's all about food and family and love.  It's the start of the Christmas season!  I don't know what's wrong with me this year.

Actually, I do know what's wrong.  If you had asked me two months ago how I thought my Thanksgiving would be, I would have painted you a different picture than the one I'm giving you now.  I have made progress since my break-up.  But the fact of the matter is, in my mind, there will be someone important to me missing from my family's table tomorrow.  There's nothing I can do about that.  And it just makes me really sad.  I have been dreading Thanksgiving so much for the past month.  I love Thanksgiving with my family so much and I was so excited to get to share that with my boyfriend and to get to share my boyfriend with my family.  It hurts that I won't get to do that tomorrow.  It really hurts.

So, here I am on this Thanksgiving eve.  I'm having a lot of trouble feeling thankful because I'm really having a lot of trouble feeling anything other than sad.  I've always known that the holiday season can bring out the best in people.  This year, I'm learning that it can also draw attention to those who are absent in our lives.  

There are people who live their entire life and never know what it means to be in love.  At 20, I know what it means to love and trust someone with all of your being.  I know the complete happiness and joy that one feels with every "You're beautiful" and "I love you."  I have seen the gaze that can make your heart leap and I know how full that kind of love can make you feel.  Yes, I have lost it.  But at least I have known it.

That's something to be thankful for.

My friend Melissa posted this picture on her blog Little Mrs. Married earlier this week. 

                              

And you should read this post of hers too!  When you're done, just imagine me standing over your shoulder saying "Ditto."

Have a happy Thanksgiving tomorrow, my lovely readers!  Eat a lot, take a nap and enjoy time with those you love.

Girly Stuff

Day 15: My Shoes

I love my shoes—all 29 pairs :)  DSW is a really wonderful place.

And I love how pretty and organized they look in my hanging shoe organizers—like a library of shoes! Except I don't do check outs. 

And on another note, I got myself that manicure I promised myself.

The color looks black in the picture, but it's this really pretty deep purple color.

They were a little rough on my cuticles, though.  My poor thumb is still sore :(  

Today was a day for cleaning, Gilmore Girls and lots of hot tea. Gallons of hot tea.  Tons of hot tea.

Not a bad day.

A Thought

Day 14: Flowers

A thousand yellow daisies.

Gilmore Girls gives me false hope.  It makes me operate under the assumption that all heartbreak will be resolved in a 4-6 episode arc.

I do not think my heartbreak will be resolved in a 4-6 episode arc.

But, one way or another, it will be resolved.  It has to be.

I wish I lived in Stars Hallow, CT.

I wish Stars Hallow, CT actually existed.

Randomness

1. I tried to teach myself to crochet today, but I spent more time trying to untangle the yarn and gave up.  I went to Wal-Mart later to get a new thing of yarn and got some really thick yarn and a really thick crochet needle and now it's much easier.  It's kind of like the big crayons you give to kids when they're learning to write, I think.

2.  I keep Mike and Ikes in my car's glove box for when my blood sugar gets low.

3. I tried to go Christmas shopping today.  I ended up getting more stuff for myself.  But it was really cute stuff.

4. I started watching Gilmore Girls last night.  I missed it.

5.  I'm auditioning for a show in a few weeks and I'm already freaking out nervous.

6.  My brother is coming into town for Thanksgiving.  I'm excited to see him.

7. I forgot to take a 30 Day Photo Challenge Picture today.  So this is what you get for Day 8: From a Distance:

The view from my bed.

8. Lorelai and Max just split up on Gilmore Girls and first the first time I truly understood what she felt in that moment because I'm still feeling it every second of every day.

9.  All of my classes for Tuesday were cancelled.  I think I'm going to celebrate by getting a manicure.

10.. I have some really wonderful friends that offer some really great perspectives.

Crafty Close-Up

I've been wanting to learn to crochet for a while.  And I feel like it would be a good distraction.

So today, on my way home from a (wonderful) meeting with a friend, I decided to stop by good ol' Wal-Mart (which was so horribly understaffed that they had only 4 lanes open and about two hundred customers waiting to check out..but I won't bore you with that) and picked up some purple yarn and a few crochet hooks (because I can't I didn't know which one was the right one).

I learned to knit a few years back using the trusty old interwebz, so I thought I would learn to crochet the same way....

WRONG.  I can't figure out how to get past the chain stitch, which is the starting stitch.  So what I'm left with are the beginnings of a very wide scarf.  Or a very long, thin scarf.  Depending on how you look at it.

So, let's take a look at 30 Day Photo Challenge Day 12: Close-Up!

That's as close-up as my phone was willing to go.  On the right, you can see the chain stitch.  Or the entire scarf.  Really depends on perspective.

Annnnndd....that's all I got.  I'm sleepy.  Night night.

Roller Coaster

I have had a rough couple of days.  That's why I didn't blog yesterday and I'm not getting around to it until late tonight.  I've had some incredibly low lows and some "ok" and even "good" moments as well.  For the most part I've just been incredibly sad.  Not angry.  Not confused.  Not struggling to understand.  Just really, really sad.

But I'm trying something new.  I'm embracing the sad when it comes.  I'm not bottling it up.  I'm not pretending everything's okay.  And I'm not running away.  If I feel like cry, I am going to cry.  If I'm in a situation where I feel like I can't cry, then I leave and find a place I feel safe crying.  I don't try to rush it and I don't try to stifle it.  Sometimes I feel better after this, but most of the time I just feel numb.  But once I've cried and let the sadness happen, I move on.  I find a distraction.  I watch tv or read or clean my room or blog.  The sadness is still there, but it's kind of a released sadness.  I've acknowledged it's existence, I've stopped and expressed it, and I'm going on with my day knowing that sadness is still there, but trying not to let it consume me.

So, yes.  That's been the low.  I've been crying and moving on.  Sometimes I can distract myself until the sad fades into the background.  Sometimes I have to cry again 30 minutes later.  But it doesn't matter how often I cry.  What matters is that I am trying to not let this sadness define me.  Yes, I am incredibly sad. But "sad is not me," if that makes any sense.  By embracing the sad like this, I'm able to recognize and appreciate the good a little more.

Speaking of the good...

Let's pretend it's yesterday and do 30 Day Photo Challenge Day 10: Something I Made!

This is my dresser that I keep in my closet.  Technically, I didn't make the whole thing.  We found it on the side of our neighbor's curb waiting for trash pick up.  It was kind of stained and dirty, but we cleaned it and kept it on our back porch for a while.  This past summer, I gave it another good cleaning, sanded it and painted it. I think it's adorable and I love it :)  

Now fast forward back to today (back to the future?  or would that just be back?).

Day 11: Something Fun!

Well, right now this is more "That's exciting."  It will be fun when I get to redeem it.

My apartment complex did a few contests this morning to get people to recommend the complex to friends on Facebook.  It was basically whoever went to their Facebook page and clicked the "Recommend" button first won a prize.  I missed the first three, but I happened to log onto Facebook seconds after they posted the fourth status, so I recommended and won a gift certificate for a nearby hair salon!  

Not the best picture of me, but there you go!  The certificate says it's for a "style," so I'm not sure if that means something like a haircut with a blowout or if it means going in and getting your hair styled, like for a special occasion.  I'll call and find out at some point.  But either way, it's free! And I love free!  Plus, when they posted this picture on complex's facebook page, they captioned it with "We have some pretty cute winners here at (name of complex)!" which was a nice little confidence boost :)

Something else good that I don't have a picture for: I got to see my roommate from last year last night and today!  I've run into her a couple of times but I didn't get to actually spend time with her until last night.  Like I said, yesterday was a tough one for me.  I didn't have a lot of energy or motivation for anything.  I was lying in my bed at 10:30 trying to talk myself into at least taking a shower before going to sleep (yeah...that bad) when she texted me to invite me to a party she was at in my apartment complex (literally a minute walk from my door). I thought about it for a minute and decided to take control of myself.  I decided that I was going to take a shower, put on some make-up, put on an outfit that I feel good in and be social.  And I'm so glad I did it.  My old roomie is one of those girls that just knows what to say about things like this.  She's got that perfect combination of "That's so stupid," "Have hope," and "This will get easier," down.  I had barely talked to her since we moved out and I missed her! I got to have lunch with her today too, which was great!  Remember my post about Friendship from a few weeks ago?  I still have to remind myself that these friendships take effort if you want to maintain them, even if that effort is something that seems as small as getting out of bed and putting on some make-up.  Last night was a perfect example of how much that effort is worth it.  When I left the party last night, I wasn't thinking about how sad I was.  I was thinking about how glad I was that I made that effort and got to see my roommate again!  Baby steps can still get you places!

So there you have it.  The past couple of days have been incredibly difficult, but the good is what I need to appreciate and remember.  Today has been one month since the break-up.  Monday would have been our seventh month anniversary.  The next few days are going to continue to be difficult.  I am going to have highs and I am going to have lows.  But I will not let the lows define me or consume me and I will not let the highs go unnoticed.  I am going to pray a lot.  I am going to rely on my friends.  I am going to make efforts to keep those friends.  I am going to embrace the sad and be thankful for the good.  And, if I'm lucky, I'll make it off of this roller coaster without throwing up.

Kitchen Therapy

When I moved into my apartment, I discovered that I really love to cook and bake.  I just found it to be really relaxing.  One of my favorite things to do used to be making dinner for my (now ex-) boyfriend.  I loved sharing what I made with him and I loved how much he loved it. But after the break-up, I had no desire to go back into the kitchen.  It was (and still is) just huge reminder that I couldn't make him spaghetti or hamburger helper or cake balls anymore and that just makes me sad.  And without any appetite, it's not easy to get excited about cooking.  Despite this, I've still been collecting recipes online so that when I do feel ready to get back into the kitchen, I'll have something to make.

Tonight, I took a huge step.  Tonight, I baked.

The Recipe:  Bakerella's Red Velvet Cakesters (Like Oreo Cakesters, but way better)

It's a really simple recipe that comes together pretty quickly...or so I imagine.  You see, I'm in a college and I have a really tiny kitchen.

I have neither the room nor the funds for a hand mixer, so I had to mix everything by hand.  So making the cookie dough and the frosting took forever! But it was so worth it!

First, and possibly the most important step: You put on that super cute apron that you got at World Market for $10!

And yes, I did pull my hair back before I actually started baking.


The cookie dough has three ingredients: Red Velvet cake mix, eggs and butter.  Really simple (if you have a hand mixer..haha).  So you start with this:

And keep stirring and stirring and stirring until you get this:

And finally, 30 minutes later, when you think you're arm is about to fall off, you get this:

Pop those into the 350 degree oven for 10-12 minutes and now it's time to move on to the cream cheese frosting!  Cream cheese, butter, vanilla and a ton of powdered sugar.  Mmmmm!

If you were really smart, you would have taken the butter out of the fridge way before you even put on that really cute apron so that it could soften.  I am not really smart and thought I would cheat and soften the butter in the microwave.  This usually works if you don't forget that you're microwaving butter immediately after you set the microwave for a minute.

Yeah, I melted and entire stick of butter in the microwave.  Take two: I put the butter in a bowl.  Much less messy.

Since I didn't have a hand mixer, I decided to kind of "mush" the butter and cream cheese ahead of time so that when I put them together, they would be easier to combine.

Yumm! Maybe I should have made bagels...

Now would be an appropriate time to sneak a peek at your cookies :) 

Yummy :)

Now it's time for the powdered sugar.  The recipe calls for a pound, but I stopped a half cup short because I was adding the sugar only 1/4 cup at a time to make the mixing easier and my arm was protesting.  Plus, it kind of tasted perfect. 

                                               

At this point, the cookies have come out of the oven and cooled a bit (unless you have a hand mixer....) and you can assemble!

                                               

They're so cute!

I used my fantastic roommates as guinea pigs and we deemed the Cakesters a huge success!  Just make sure you have some milk when you eat them! They're really rich, so you will definitely need milk. 

I got about 16 Cakesters out of this recipe (and had a TON of leftover frosting).  I want to bring them into work tomorrow, but I might cut them in half so that there will be enough for everyone to have a taste.

Even doing this the caveman way, this recipe was super easy and delicious! 

Bakerella's Red Velvet Cakesters:

Red Velvet Sandwich Cookies:

1 box any brand red velvet cake mix

1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, softened to room temperature

2 eggs

• Preheat oven to 350 degrees
• Mix ingredients until combined
• Drop spoonfuls of cookie batter on cookie sheet about 2 inches apart 
• Bake for 10-12 minutes
• Cool

Cream Cheese Filling:

1/2 Cup (1 stick) butter, softened to room temperature

1-8 oz. package cream cheese, softened to room temperature

1lb. box of confectioners sugar

1 tsp. vanilla

• In a mixer, cream butter, cheese and vanilla.
• Gradually add sugar and mix until smooth

Makes about 12 cookies or 12 cookies sandwiches.

I will admit, I got pretty sad once the cookies were done because I couldn't share them with my (ex) boyfriend. Usually this was something I would bring to him as a little treat or a pick me up.  But tonight was a step.  A small step, but a step nonetheless. And it was therapeutic.  It was nice to get back to doing something that I enjoyed so much before everything kind of turned upside down.  

And now time for the 30 Day Photo Challenge!

Day 8: Faceless Self Portrait.

......

Does anyone have any clue what that means?

Something tells me that is not what the creator of this photo challenge had in mind...