Thoughts on 2011

Tomorrow marks the first day of a new year.  A fresh start.  A clean slate.

You would think that after the last two months, I would be ready to say, "Good riddance, 2011!"  But I'm not so sure that I am.  I may even be a little sad to see it go.

2011 was a big year for me.  Yes, it ended on a really long, low, bad note. My break-up was an unwelcome shock that left me in the greatest pain I've ever known and with a lot of emotions to sort through.  I feel like I'm still in the first stage of grief: Shock and Denial.  I find myself thinking so often "Oh my gosh...that really happened.  He really doesn't want me anymore.  This isn't a nightmare.  This is my life.  And I'm expected to get used to this.   How did this happen?"  I feel like I've barely made a dent in working through this mess.

But the reason I am in so much pain is because, throughout the entire relationship up until the moment before he said "I love you but I have to break-up with you," I was so unbelievably happy.  Like, giggly, smiley, singing all the time, butterflies in my stomach, doing cartwheels, this-should-be-illegal happy.  I miss that happiness so much. And I really miss my ex-boyfried. Not just the companionship. Not just having someone to call boyfriend and kiss on New Years Eve. I miss him: his quirks, his flaws, the entire package.  And that happiness is the reason I'm not ready to "kick 2011 to the curb." 2011 brought me the greatest happiness I've ever known.  Despite the pain it's also brought me, how could I say good riddance to a year that brought me such happiness?

Also, I was not prepared for how difficult the new year would be post-break-up.  I knew that spending New Years Eve without him was going to be hurt.  I was not ready for how starting the new year without him was going to hurt even more.  New years are always kind of scary for me.  On January 1, you face 365 days of unknowns.  You may have some specific plans like "Go to New York" or "Buy a house" or "Start college," but as for your work, your relationships, your finances...you really have no clue what is going to happen.  You may get laid-off or lose a close family member or have to pay a huge unexpected medical bill after falling or get dumped.  After being in a relationship where I felt such reassurance and comfort and love and trust, facing that uncertainty without that person there is even scarier.  Part of me wishes I could just hide under the covers with a flashlight and my teddy bear until I'm given the all-clear.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could do that and just have someone come along once the bad stuff is over and say, "You're safe!  The scary part is over.  Now enjoy the rest of your year and this complimentary ice cream cone"?

I learned a lot in 2011. I changed a lot in 2011. I gained a lot in 2011. An then I lost a lot in 2011.

Tonight, Times Square will be filled with crazy, intoxicated partygoers. Parties will be thrown, champagne will be drunk, sparkly dresses will be worn,  people will proudly and loudly demonstrate their ability to count backwards from 10, and people all over the world will kiss the person they love.  I will crawl into bed early, write in my diary, say a prayer, and let my 2011 leave quietly.  I will wake up on Sunday morning and begin working my way through 2012, one baby step at a time.

Of course, this wouldn't be a new years post without some mention of a resolution.

This year, I resolve to take better care of myself, both physically and emotionally.  Plain and simple when you put it on paper.  Not so much when put into action.  I'm not very good at making myself, my health, and my well-being a priority.  If you could be a fly on the wall inside my head, you would probably agree that I could definitely makes some improvements in that area.

I would also really like to do a better job of keeping up with this blog.  I know I put some very personal, emotional things on this blog and some people may think I'm crazy or dramatic or just seeking attention.  But writing here has helped me work through so many rock bottoms the past 11 + weeks.  Being completely honest on here means I have to be completely honest with myself.  A lot of the time, I don't even realize that I'm feeling something until, suddenly, there it is all typed out in front of me. Blogging is therapeutic.  I know a lot of bloggers will probably agree with me on this.

How does the New Year make you feel?  Am I the only one who thinks it's scary?  Do you make New Years resolutions?

New Beginnings, Jr.

I consider it a personal victory every time I make it to my morning bus on time.  If I can just get up, ready and out in time to catch that bus and get to class, the rest of the day is cake.

No such cake today.

This morning, I made it to the bus on time.  I got my favorite seat and everything was going smoothly until the bus made it to campus. As soon as I stepped off the bus, I felt a tug on my shoulder, followed by the sound of metal hitting the pavement.

My purse strap broke.   Ugggghhhhhhhhhhh.   So, looking like a goof, I held the purse until I could get to class and stuff it in my backpack and focused on the positive of the situation:  Sure, the purse I adore was broken beyond repair. But at least I get to go shopping! I'm a big fan of retail therapy.  Who doesn't feel awesome wearing a new outfit?

Classes finished, I had a uneventful bus ride home and made my way to the mall. And about 5 minutes into shopping, I remembered that I absolutely hate shopping for purses.

I have no problem clothes shopping.  You see something you like.  It's in your budget and size. You buy it.  You wear it when you want.

But (for me, at least) purse shopping is a completely different ball game.  You're not just shopping for something to wear every now and then.  You're shopping for something that has to go with the majority of your outfits that you are going to carry with you every. single. day.

That's a big decision!  Seriously, it took me two hours of wandering around the mall, being chased down by perfume and make-up saleswomen (One even came up to me in the purse section and tried to put liquid concealer on my face!  Don't they have a electric fence or something that keeps them contained?), dodging strollers and toddlers and weighing the pros and cons of different styles, colors, sizes, etc while considering budget.  It's exhausting.   Luckily, I eventually ended up with 2 purses that I love and were both within my budget.

And now I want to share my spoils with you :)  Because no matter how much of a pain purse shopping can be, a new purse is kind of like a mini new beginning.  It's new, it's clean, everything is organized.  You stand a little taller and walk with a little skip in your step when you're carrying a new purse.  And it's got that new purse smell!

Purse #1:

Isn't this adorable? It's Liz Claiborne, who I'm a big fan of for purses. It's a little bigger than I was originally planning on getting, but I love that it's got a little handle at the top as well as the strap, which can be adjusted to make it a shoulder bag or a cross body bag.  I will quit bringing a purse to school, though, because of its size.  It will probably stay nicer longer too.  And it got my mom's seal of approval, which is of course incredibly important. :)  $27.99 (btw, if you're in the market for a purse, go to JC Penney.  It seems like the purses are always on sale there!)

After I chose this purse, I was feeling confident and a little more energetic, so I decided to do a victory lap through the clearance section and found this!

Purse #2:

I got this for nights out or at the theater when I don't need everything I carry in my everyday purse.  It's Nicole Miller.  I love the color and the design and it was only $10.00!  (Seriously, go to JC Penney!)

Does anyone else have the same problems I do when purse shopping?  What do you do to make the decision easier?  Am I just crazy?  How does a new purse make you feel?

And now, it's time for Day 3 of the 30 Day Photo Challenge: Clouds!

I took this picture around 6:00 PM yesterday evening.  That bright spot towards the middle of the picture is the moon.  There were two long clouds that intersected and looked like an "X" with the moon in the very center.  It looked like "X Marks the Spot" and the moon was the treasure!  The line-up only lasted a few minutes, but it was very cool.  I wish I could have gotten a better picture of it.  Did anyone else see this?

Whew! What a long day it's been!  Time to put on some PJs and make some cookies!  Night, y'all!

The Collegiate Weight Battle

Before I moved on campus and started my first semester at LSU, my weight was the lowest it had ever been. I didn't realize it then, but that was so unfair. Here I was with what was probably the best body I'll ever have and I only got to enjoy it for about a month before I was forced onto the college diet. As soon as I feel pretty great about the way I look, it is snatched away from me by Papa John's, Taco Bell, Quiznos, McDonald's and the cafeterias.

I noticed weight gain almost immediately, which freaked me out. I was really heavy when I was younger and even though I lost about 30 pounds through Weight Watchers, I never lost that weight anxiety. And that anxiety is running in full force now that my only options are fast food and things fried/covered in fat/covered in butter at the cafeterias.

So, I started tracking. I found this really great free app on my iPhone called My Fitness Pal. It's a daily calorie/nutrition tracker that gives you a daily caloric intake goal based on how much you weigh, how much you want to weigh, and how fast you want to lose it. And it's got a huge database of foods. It's, in my opinion, the perfect wight loss aid.

Except I have the self control of someone with very little self control and keep forgetting to update it. So here's where this blog comes in. I discovered a new feature on the website today: the weight loss ticker. So from now on, this ticker will be at the bottom of all of my blog posts. Maybe if know my readers (I recently discovered the stats section of Blogger, there are actually a few of you out there!) can see how much I am (or am not) losing, that will keep me motivated to keep track. My fear of judgement will remind me that I cannot get of track!!

Once again, I'm not sure if any of what I just wrote makes sense, but it is what it is. I'm fat. I want to not be fat. I'm bringing my blog into the equation.


The journey begins:

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

And if anyone says "Why don't you try excercising?" I might have to cyber slap you. If I had time to do something other than study and sleep, don't you think I might have tried incorporating more exercise into my routine?!

We...maybe not. But still, don't you dare mention it!