One Last Peek in the Rearview Mirror

Once again, I found this little gem over at Little Mrs. Married.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

I went to New York City, Center of the Universe.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

My 2011 resolution was to keep a journal, which I kind of kept up with.  My twitter journal is kind of empty in the middle, but luckily I have four years to make up for it, seeing as its a 5-year journal.

This year, I have one resolution: To take better care of myself.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

A couple of my friends welcomed beautiful baby girls this year.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

I didn't know him personally, but a young man in my theatre community was killed in a car accident this past September.  Theatre communities tend to be really tight-nit and his loss was definitely felt throughout this entire community, even by those of us who weren't lucky enough to know him.

5. What countries did you visit?

No border crossing for me this year.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you didn’t have in 2011?

I know I've opened up a lot on this blog, but I think I'm going to refrain from answering this question on here.  At the moment, I think this answer is too personal to share.

7. What dates from 2011 will be etched upon your memory, and why?

My week in New York in April, getting together and making things "official" with my boyfriend, losing my boyfriend.

8. What was your biggest achievement of this year?

Getting things together so that I could graduate from undergrad in three years instead of four.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I don't know if I could tag anything as a "failure," this year.  I guess some could say that since my relationship ended, then it was a failure.  But I gave that relationship my all—mind, body and soul.  I don't want to think about something that I gave so much of myself to as a failure.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Luckily, no!  Usually, my immune system sucks, but I started taking vitamin C at the beginning of the year and didn't get sick nearly as much as I usually do.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I treated myself to an awesome TV and Blu-Ray player when I moved into my apartment at the beginning of the semester (and I got a good price!) Plus, I think I did pretty awesome on the Christmas present front this year :)  That feeling you get when you've found the perfect present for someone is one of the best feelings in the world.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

I have better parents than I deserve.  The last few months of 2011 were tough on the Wright kids and I am so lucky to have parents who have been by my side through this whole mess.  I am thankful for them every minute of every day.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

The PostSecret App was shut down earlier this week because of a few people posting a ton of malicious content.  It got so out of control that there was no way the moderators could keep up with it.  It makes me so sad because I've actually gotten some support from that app the past couple of months.  It's so sad how a few malicious people can ruin someone that is so beneficial for so many.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Food, gas, Amazon.com and Anne Taylor Loft.

15. What did you get really excited about?

For a while, I was really excited about my future.  For now, I'm just kind of meh.  It's kind of hard to be excited about anything right now. 

I am excited about my future career, though.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?

Fade Into You—Mazzy Star

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder?  Sadder.  Much sadder.

b) thinner or fatter? Thinner. 

c) richer or poorer? Rich is not normally a word I use to describe myself, but I am richer now than I was last year.  I got better about saving my money this year.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Living in the moment.

Praying.

Taking care of myself.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Giving my negative emotions more control than my positive emotions.

20. How will/did you spend Christmas?

I spent Christmas with my family in North Carolina.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?

Over and over again. I know it was love because I still feel it even though he doesn't anymore.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Gilmore Girls and Big Bang Theory.

23. What was the best book you read?

Guys, this is awful.  I cannot name a single book that I read this year.  It was all textbooks.  

Maybe I should add that to my list of resolutions: Read More. 

Or could that possibly be grouped into "Take Better Care of Myself"?  I think it could.

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Really started listening to Ben Folds this year.  It started with his University Acapella album and grew from there.

25. What did you want and get?

  An apartment and a super flexible, wonderful job.

26. What did you want and not get? 

I wanted to keep my boyfriend.

27. What was your favorite film of 2011?

Shakespeare in Love.  I know, it came out way before 2011, but I didn't see it until this past year and I am completely in love with it.

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 20.  My mom made me a wonderful dinner and cake at home, which was very nice.  Unfortunately, it was only 9 days after my relationship ended, so....I cried.  A giant german chocolate cake was put in front of me and I cried. 

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

My relationship not ending. I wish both parties would have felt that it was worth the effort.

I feel like a broken record, but it is what it is.  

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2011?

Simple, classic, understated.  I'm not a fan of flashy outfits, especially not on me.

31. What kept you sane?

A family that loves me more than I deserve, my cat, Misty, this blog, wonderful friends, and rekindling my relationship with God.

32. What political issue stirred you the most?

The war on Women's Reproductive Rights that is happening in our country terrifies me.

I am not ashamed to say that I am pro-choice.  I doesn't mean I am pro-abortion.  It means that when it comes to another woman's body, I believe that neither I nor the government should have any say in the matter. 

33. Who did you miss?
Broken Record.  

My ex-boyfriend. (It still feels so wrong to use that term to refer to him.  And I have to try really hard to ignore the fact that that means he refers to me as his ex-girlfriend or else I'll fall off the deep end.)

34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

It is ok to cry.  It is ok to hurt.  It is ok to love.  And when in doubt, pray. 

35. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." - Moulin Rouge

I actually wasn't crazy about that movie the first time I saw it. I actually really liked the story, but the crazy filming style made me feel anxious and panicky and like I was constantly on the verge of passing out, which isn't fun.  But that quote hasn't left my head since I saw it.  I love it.  It's so true. I was going to wait a few months and then give it Moulin Rouge rewatch, but....shit happened.

Day 1

Happy New Year from Hunter, the Dog of Hope.

And from Misty, the Cat of Destiny.

And from Harley, the cat of I'm-too-lazy-to-wake-up-and-have-my-picture-taken-ness.

Don't forget to have some cabbage and black eyed peas for fortune, rice for long life and pork for progress.

Baby steps.  Baby Steps. 

Thoughts on 2011

Tomorrow marks the first day of a new year.  A fresh start.  A clean slate.

You would think that after the last two months, I would be ready to say, "Good riddance, 2011!"  But I'm not so sure that I am.  I may even be a little sad to see it go.

2011 was a big year for me.  Yes, it ended on a really long, low, bad note. My break-up was an unwelcome shock that left me in the greatest pain I've ever known and with a lot of emotions to sort through.  I feel like I'm still in the first stage of grief: Shock and Denial.  I find myself thinking so often "Oh my gosh...that really happened.  He really doesn't want me anymore.  This isn't a nightmare.  This is my life.  And I'm expected to get used to this.   How did this happen?"  I feel like I've barely made a dent in working through this mess.

But the reason I am in so much pain is because, throughout the entire relationship up until the moment before he said "I love you but I have to break-up with you," I was so unbelievably happy.  Like, giggly, smiley, singing all the time, butterflies in my stomach, doing cartwheels, this-should-be-illegal happy.  I miss that happiness so much. And I really miss my ex-boyfried. Not just the companionship. Not just having someone to call boyfriend and kiss on New Years Eve. I miss him: his quirks, his flaws, the entire package.  And that happiness is the reason I'm not ready to "kick 2011 to the curb." 2011 brought me the greatest happiness I've ever known.  Despite the pain it's also brought me, how could I say good riddance to a year that brought me such happiness?

Also, I was not prepared for how difficult the new year would be post-break-up.  I knew that spending New Years Eve without him was going to be hurt.  I was not ready for how starting the new year without him was going to hurt even more.  New years are always kind of scary for me.  On January 1, you face 365 days of unknowns.  You may have some specific plans like "Go to New York" or "Buy a house" or "Start college," but as for your work, your relationships, your finances...you really have no clue what is going to happen.  You may get laid-off or lose a close family member or have to pay a huge unexpected medical bill after falling or get dumped.  After being in a relationship where I felt such reassurance and comfort and love and trust, facing that uncertainty without that person there is even scarier.  Part of me wishes I could just hide under the covers with a flashlight and my teddy bear until I'm given the all-clear.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could do that and just have someone come along once the bad stuff is over and say, "You're safe!  The scary part is over.  Now enjoy the rest of your year and this complimentary ice cream cone"?

I learned a lot in 2011. I changed a lot in 2011. I gained a lot in 2011. An then I lost a lot in 2011.

Tonight, Times Square will be filled with crazy, intoxicated partygoers. Parties will be thrown, champagne will be drunk, sparkly dresses will be worn,  people will proudly and loudly demonstrate their ability to count backwards from 10, and people all over the world will kiss the person they love.  I will crawl into bed early, write in my diary, say a prayer, and let my 2011 leave quietly.  I will wake up on Sunday morning and begin working my way through 2012, one baby step at a time.

Of course, this wouldn't be a new years post without some mention of a resolution.

This year, I resolve to take better care of myself, both physically and emotionally.  Plain and simple when you put it on paper.  Not so much when put into action.  I'm not very good at making myself, my health, and my well-being a priority.  If you could be a fly on the wall inside my head, you would probably agree that I could definitely makes some improvements in that area.

I would also really like to do a better job of keeping up with this blog.  I know I put some very personal, emotional things on this blog and some people may think I'm crazy or dramatic or just seeking attention.  But writing here has helped me work through so many rock bottoms the past 11 + weeks.  Being completely honest on here means I have to be completely honest with myself.  A lot of the time, I don't even realize that I'm feeling something until, suddenly, there it is all typed out in front of me. Blogging is therapeutic.  I know a lot of bloggers will probably agree with me on this.

How does the New Year make you feel?  Am I the only one who thinks it's scary?  Do you make New Years resolutions?

How I Found My Christmas Spirit

This Christmas season was really tough on me.  That's no secret.  No matter how hard I tried, I just could not make myself care about Christmas.  I was a Scrooge, a grinch, a Debbie downer.  I was no fun whatsoever.  In short, I was miserable.  And I was frustrated.  Yes, I was hurting, but my goodness! Don't I deserve to be happy about something?!

Luckily, I was not a completely hopeless case.  My Christmas Spirit finally showed up.  It was very late, but it was there.

On Christmas Eve every year, my family goes to the 11:00 pm service at church.  We go to our home church, St. Paul Lutheran Church, the years that we're at home.  But this year we spent Christmas with my grandmother, so we went to St. Luke's Lutheran Church in Charlotte, NC for their late service.  Normally, I love the Christmas Eve service (we had been to this church once before for Christmas Eve).  But this year, I was tired and not feeling very well.  This combined with my apathy toward Christmas made me pretty grumpy.  But once the pastor started her sermon, I started to loosen up a bit.  I love sermons in the Lutheran church because they are less about teaching the Bible and more about teaching how to use what is said in the Bible to live a more fulfilling life.  The Bible is used as a guide, not as something to be taken literally (because, let's face it: a lot has changed since Jesus was walking around doing his thing).  Her sermon was insightful and downright funny at times (she used anecdotes.  I love anecdotes).  I wish I could find the e-mail that she read to us so that I could share it with you.  After the sermon, I felt myself opening up to the songs and prayers and letting my guard down.  Then, as the they were preparing for communion at the altar, the church bells started ringing "O Come, O Come Emmanuel."  This happens to be one of my favorite Christmas songs, probably because my high school choir used it to open our big Christmas concert every year.  Hearing it brings back the excitement and adrenaline rush that I always felt at the beginning of that concert.  As soon as it started ringing, I looked down at my watch and realized that it was 12:00 am—officially Christmas!  "Away in a Manger" followed shortly after.  I loved that the church rang in Christmas like this (no pun intended)!

After communion, ushers walked down the center aisle and lit candles.  Everyone passed their flame down the pew as the lights dimmed and the organist played the intro to "Silent Night."  We do this at my home church as well and I always love it, but there was something extra special about this experience in this church.  It was extra magical.  Then on the last verse, the pastor lifted up her candle and everyone else followed suit.  That, my friends, is when my Christmas spirit made its entrance.  I felt warm inside and even kind of relieved.  It was like we were taking whatever was hurting or stressing or saddening us and lifting it up, letting it all go.  It was that moment that I remembered that Christmas is not about me.  It is not about Christmas movies or Christmas cookies or even that warm and tingly feeling you get when you put a present under the tree.  It's about hope.  It's about the fact that however many years ago,  all was not right on Earth and God sent someone down to make things better.  God sent his son down as a physical manifestation of the hope he provides.  For me, Christmas this year was about realizing that no matter how much pain I am in, no matter how sad I am, no matter how many tears I shed,  somehow, someway, at some point, something will get better.  It won't happen all at once and it is going to take time, but there will eventually be some improvement.  Until then, I need to use this time for me.  I need to learn patience and really think about what it means to love someone.  I have absolutely no doubt that I love my ex-boyfriend, but it was never an emotion I was able to quite put into words (which I know a lot of, if not most people can't).  I'm kind of figuring out what that word means to me; what loving someone means to me.  Does that make any sense? Haha.  And I need to learn how to take care of myself–how to make myself take care of myself.  It is going to take a lot of time before I am able to open myself up to someone the way I did to my ex-boyfriend.  I still can't imagine loving someone in the way that I love him.  And that's ok.  I probably never will love anyone else in the way that I love him because I believe that we cannot love two people in the same way.  Every person is different, every relationship is different, and every love is different.  Like snowflakes.  When my heart is ready, I will begin to take the steps toward being able to open up again.  But to pretend all is well before I am healed would be unfair to me and unfair to any man that tried to pursue a relationship with me.   It is ok that I can't move on from this yet.  It is difficult and painful. But it is ok.
 "Give me pain if that's what's real.  It's the price we pay to feel." (Brownie points if you can name that musical!)

Right now, I am just thankful that I was lucky enough to get to spend Christmas with family that gives me their love and support unconditionally—no questions asked.

Just a friendly sword fight between siblings..

See all those nutcrackers on the mantle?  My cousin Kevin is obsessed with the ballet The Nutcracker and has amassed quite the collection.  Here, we're trying to show him the 5 ballet positions of the feet, but he's more interested in reenacting the battle between the nutcracker and the mouse king. And he has just stabbed me.  A dramatic death followed shortly after this picture was taken (cause it's not ballet if it's not dramatic!).

The Adams and Wright kids.  Cool cousins.

I think we were trying to do some sort of Abbey Road thing here.  As you can see, we were wildly successful.

The Wright family.

See the woman sitting on the walker?  That's my great-grandmother, Nana, who celebrated her 99th Christmas this year.  How amazing is that?  She seen Christmas through the Great Depression, the Roaring Twenties, two World Wars, Pearl Harbor, The Korean War, The Vietnam War, Civil Rights, Men on the Moon, The Gulf War, 9/11, The War on Terror and 17 presidents.  The Christmases she enjoyed as a child seem almost from a completely different world than the Christmases she has now.  That just completely blows my mind!

The entire Wright/Adams bunch.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all of my readers!

I hope you've all had a perfectly lovely Christmas morning.  I know I have :)

I found my Christmas spirit late last night.  Better late than never!  It's still going strong.

 Here are a few scenes from my Christmas Morning:

Last night, my brother and I were at the grocery store and decided we wanted to get something nice for breakfast for our parents and grandmother on Christmas morning, so we started a new tradition: Bagels and lox on Christmas morning!

Ribbon Mustache :) 

Good haul :)

New Christmas pajamas :) And my new North Face headband that I'm kind of obsessed with.  No more cold ears while waiting for the bus in the morning! 

I think my theater-going and movie-going readers would love this!  It's like a photo album with pockets for ticket stubs and a spot to write about the show next to each slot.  I can't wait to start filling this up!

I can't wait to start reading this book my brother gave me!

Every single episode of Sex and the City.  I have officially earned my Girl Card.

It doesn't take much to make me happy.

Can't wait to get started on this in the new year!

I hope that Santa treated you well and that you get to spend the day with with friends and family who love you as much as mine love me.  And don't forget to watch A Christmas Story on TBS today! 

Once again, Merry Christmas!  Don't shoot your eye out!
And enjoy some of my brother's Christmas music!

  

My Love Letter to Amazon.com

I'm here!  I still exist!  Don't forget about me!

Sorry for my unexpected week long absence!  I'm spending time with family for the holiday season and anticipated being out of touch for a few days, but some how a few days slightly out of touch turned into an entire week with no wireless or reliable cell service. I've been doing absolutely nothing but eating Reese's Cups, making Christmas cookies, playing iPad solitaire, doing crosswords and watching Gilmore Girls.  It's been pretty freaking awesome.

But I've missed wireless and I've missed my blog!  I'm super happy to be back :)

I would like to take a moment to write about something that would have been of much more use to you had I written about it a month ago.  I didn't write about it because I've always just assumed that this was something everybody already knew about.  But lately, I've realized how many people have no clue what they are missing out on.

My friends, with 3 days to go before Christmas, I am going to tell you about the Amazon Wishlist.

I'm a scrooge this year.  I'm not going Christmas crazy.  That's no secret.  But even when I am in the Christmas spirit, there's still one little phrase that rears it's ugly little head every December that drives me absolutely nuts:

"What do you want for Christmas?" 

I. Hate. That. Question.  I'm not one who wants for much.  And when I do want something, I tend to go out (or online) and buy it.  And there's often research involved. So when someone asks me that question, I never have an answer.  It makes me frustrated.  It makes the question asker frustrated.  There's frustration all around and it makes everyone grumpy.  

This is why the Amazon Wishlist makes my life so much easier.  

I personally believe that everybody needs an Amazon Prime account.  Around $80 a year gets you unlimited free 2 day shipping on most of the items for sale on Amazon.com.  I use my Amazon account for everything.  Cds, Books, Clothes, Gifts, Phone Cases, Water Bottle Filters, Toothpaste...anything.  One of the features of your Amazon.com account (Prime or regular) is the Wishlist.  

Basically, on every item listed on Amazon.com, there is an "Add to Wishlist" button.  If you see an item you want but don't want to spend your own money or that you think you would like as a gift, you just click that button. And if you use Google Chrome, you can download a "Wish List Extension" so that you can add items from other websites onto your wishlist. This makes Christmas (and birthdays and other gift giving occasions) so much easier for me because I add items to my wishlist throughout the year.  Then when that ugly little question rears it's ugly little head, I actually have an answer: "I have an Amazon wishlist."  All someone has to do is search my e-mail and there it is.  No hassle.  No fuss.  No stress.  Just a Merry Christmas.

Another similar feature that Amazon offers is the gift organizer.  This makes gift giving much easier for me because it allows me to "save" an item that I think might be a good gift for someone.  I adore this because I always come up with the best Christmas gift ideas in July.   Or May.  Or January.  Or September.  Or any month that is not December.  And as soon as December comes around, I forget all of them.  This feature allows me to make a gift list for any person I need to that I can add to throughout the year.  I also really love it for budgeting purposes because you can put several things on a list for a person throughout the year and then, when Christmas rolls around, you can use the list to choose the item(s) that best fits your budget at the time.

Of course, I do still do a bit of the walking-around-the-mall-looking-for-the-perfect-gift-for-the-perfect-person thing.  But I tend to get distracted by shoes or clothes or a pretzel about 10 minutes in and after about an hour of walking around ignoring the clothes and shoes and pretzels I want, I get kind of grumpy.  If I want to be productive and actually have something to wrap and put under the Christmas tree, Amazon.com is the way to go.  

Like I said, this post is a bit late for this Christmas season.  But hey, there's no time like the present to get started on NEXT Christmas!  :)

No More Blog?

Not really!  Well, not yet, at least! But under the SOPA and Protect IP Act, the government and corporations could shut down any site on which its users post content that infringes on copyrights, meaning, if I understand this correctly, Blogger (my blog host) could easily be shut down.  Which would make me very sad.  And I would have no where to write about this sad.  And that would make me more sad and it's a vicious cycle.

Therefore...

I've censored the following, in protest of a bill that gives any corporation and the US government the power to censor the internet--a bill that could pass THIS WEEK. To see the uncensored text, and to stop internet censorship, visit: http://americancensorship.org/posts/21080/uncensor



███████: No ████████, ███████, ███████, █████...████'s the ██████ it ████ ██████. Say "No!" to ██████████ in ███████!