Oh-em-geez, you guyz...

I came up with the PERFECT Christmas present for my boyfriend! It's......oh.....never mind...

I hate this.

I have these moments pretty much constantly.

I've run out of strength.  And I'm almost out of tissues.

I am so sad.

30 Day Photo Challenge

Yesterday, I discovered Pinterest.   And all I can say is, "What rock have I been hiding under? How come nobody told me about this?"  The only reason I found it yesterday is because Katie at Marriage Confessions posted a blog about it.  And I am absolutely in love.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with the awesomeness, Pinterest is basically an online bulletin board that members can "pin" fun things they find on the internet on.  I requested an invite to join yesterday and am waiting on pins and needles for my invite.  But you don't have to be invited to look at all of the things people post.  There's recipes, craft ideas, fashion ideas, blog ideas, etc. that lead you to other fun sites that you might be interested in.  So far, Pinterest has led me to Food Gawker and How Sweet It Is.  Although my appetite his has not returned since my break-up, I've been really obsessed with cooking and baking (neither of which I've actually done yet, but I've thought about it), so I've had a lot of fun looking at pictures and collecting recipes that I want to try to make for others (and when my appetite actually returns, for me) on these sites.

One fun idea I found on Pinterest was this:

I know it says August, but I/m gonna do it now! It doesn't really require much explanation.  Every day for 30 days, you post a picture.  I think it's a cute idea for a blog because it gives you something to post even when you don't have something to write about.  So keep an eye out for these at the bottom of my blog posts or as posts themselves (for those days when my head is completely empty)!

So, without further ado, Day 1: Self Portrait

This is what I look like right at this moment.  Messy hair in a ponytail held back with a cheap headband.  Leftover make-up. Glasses.  Sweatshirt.  You can't see the pajama pants (which is probably for the best).  It's a rainy day.  The kind that makes you want to lie in bed in sweatshirts and pajama pants and ponytails and headbands and blog and watch 19 Kids and Counting (Have you heard?  19 is about to become 20!) and blog and browse Pinterest.  

So that's exactly what I'm doing.  And what I'm going to keep doing.  Perfection.  

Moxy Monday

I stole this from my friend Melissa at Little Mrs. Married.  Just a few little fill-in-the-blanks to distract me from that fact that it's Monday.

1. My favorite thing about this week was unexpectedly getting to babysit my friends' two month old.  Any one who knows me knows that I absolutely love babies (so much that I'm even making them my career) and it served as a wonderful distraction.  Plus, I don't know of anything that can make you feel better about yourself than being able to make a baby go from crying to smiling at you :)

2. Colder weather makes me want to put on warm pajamas, drink a cup of hot tea, and crawl into bed to watch a movie with someone I love.  I don't get to do that this year....

3. Three things that make me terribly happy as of late are 

1) The Big Bang Theory:  I got the fourth season for my birthday and have been watching it with my parents.  We're almost done with the season, though, which makes me terribly sad.  (Well, that was counterproductive) 

2) Blogging: I've had a lot of emotions lately and, while I have some incredibly wonderful friends, I'm sure they get sick of me texting them "I'm sad" everyday.  This blog has been a really good place for me to just lay (almost) everything out on the table for everyone to see.  I'm not hiding emotions or pretending they don't exist.  And when I do have a bad day and feel like I couldn't possibly feel any worse or fall any lower, I start to write it all out in a blog post and, even if I don't post the blog, I usually feel so much better just writing everything out.  If even that doesn't make me feel better, I know it's time to go home and cry on my mommy and daddy's shoulder. 

3) The Ben Folds Pandora Station: I've been listening to it a ton at work and home lately.  It doesn't necessarily play music that makes me feel happier.  It's mainly music I'm unfamiliar with. Not incredibly upbeat or loud or percussion heavy.  No expectations.  No catchy choruses.  It just makes me feel better. I keep a sticky on my desktop of all of my favorite songs to download later.

4. If i could only wear one shoe for the rest of my life, I would choose Toms.  So comfy.  But if I could only wear one shoe, wouldn't my other foot get cold?  Can I wear socks?  And what about glass on the ground?  Oh my goodness, this "one shoe" thing is starting to sound like a very bad situation.

5. My personality type is ISFJ–Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging (Want to understand me? Click on that link and read up–me to a tee).  Also known as "The Nurturer," which is so totally me.  In relationships, ISFJs are generally giving and loving people, who place the needs of others above their own (I don't know why so many people view that as a negative personality trait). This is based off of the Meyers-Briggs Test.  I took it through my university, but if you Google it, you can find several cost free versions of it.

6. I have a serious problem resisting candy.  Especially Swedish Fish. And chocolate.  And every other kind of candy.  I have such a sweet tooth that it's a miracle I've never had any cavities.  I always keep a box of Mike and Ikes in my car for when my blood sugar is low, but I have trouble avoiding them when my blood sugar's fine.  

7. My favorite color to wear is white. It's just so clean and simple and versatile.  The tops in my closet are hung by color and the white section is definitely the biggest.  I especially love a simple white top or tee with a cute cardigan, skinny jeans and sandals(or flats or Toms).  Such an easy outfit that's always super cute. 

And now, a little Keyboard Cat to lessen the Monday blues:

There is Hope!

I am not an incredibly socially suave person.  I'm awkward.  I don't say the right things.  Crowds make me nervous.  I don't like to drink.  I really can't be around cigarette smoke without getting sick.  I can't command the attention of a group of people.  And despite my love for theatre, I consider myself to be incredibly shy.

I'm kind of utterly hopeless.....or so I thought!

But according to this article, my shyness can actually be an asset to a long lasting relationship (that is, when the relationship's not yanked out from under me, but that's a completely different story that will likely never make it's way onto this blog).   It cites a study claiming that shy people are "more likely to stay in a monogamous relationship and are considered to be generally more trustworthy, loyal, relatable and cooperative."  

You want to know something about me?  I'm incredibly low maintenance.  I think some people may mistake that with being passive.  I just don't require that much.  A little love, a little attention, a few swedish fish every now and then and a hug at the end of a long day.  That's really all I require.  I like to give to people and do things for others, not because I expect anything in return, but because it makes me happy.    And once I've found something (or someone) I love, I do whatever I can to keep it.  I would never dream of cheating on my significant other or betraying that trust (actually, I did have a few dreams about cheating on my last boyfriend and always woke up feeling like I was about to vomit).

This study takes what so many see as a negative personality trait and proves that it can actually be an asset.  No, I am not any better at finding love than the social butterfly (in fact, I'm probably worse), but once I find love, I don't take it lightly and don't let it go easily.  I'm sure it has something that do with how hard this break-up has been (and still is) for me.  I the kind of person that will do any and everything I can to hang on to what I love.  And I don't see why that should be a bad thing. 

I am shy! Hear me roar......quietly!

One Step Forward, Twelve Steps Back

Today, I am incredibly sad. (So, warning: This post is going to be a major downer)

I cried today.  In class. Quite the pathetic sight.  And a new low considering that before this break-up, I could only cry in front of family and him.  Now I've cried in class, in parking lots, at red lights, in Rockefeller Square, in Time Square, at subway stops, in restaurants....you get the idea.

I haven't cried since Sunday, October 30th.  It's the longest I've gone without crying since my relationship ended and I really thought I was getting better.  But I'm starting to think that instead of getting better, I've been ignoring my sadness.  Just pushing it out of my head so that I can focus on the task at hand.  But now, I face an open weekend.  No work.  No classes.  Not a lot of studying.  No commitments.  All of those emotions I've been ignoring now stand front and center.

I'm sad.  I'm hurt.  I'm depressed.  I'm lonely.  I miss the man who used to be my boyfriend.  The man I used to watch movies with on a Saturday night.  

And it's not like I'm not trying.  I'm trying so hard to not let this consume me.  But it's a long, painful, arduous battle.  And while there have been small improvements, I still hurt just as much now as I did the moment he uttered the words "break-up."

My God, when will this get easier?  Why can't this get easier?

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Tuh-may-toe, Tuh-mah-toe

Hello everybody! I have a surprise for you today: A video blog!

This little quiz is a fun thing that I found on my favorite blog, Marriage Confessions, a while back!  I thought I'd give it a shot! Enjoy!

What's your accent?   What's my accent?

The instructions are to say these words:

Aunt, Route, Wash, Oil, Theater, Iron, Salmon, Caramel, Fire, Water, Sure, Data, Ruin, Crayon, Toilet, New Orleans, Pecan, Both, Again, Probably, Spitting Image, Alabama, Lawyer, Coupon, Mayonnaise, Syrup, Pajamas, Caught

And answer these questions:

What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house?

What is the bug that, when you touch it, curls into a ball?

What is the bubbly, carbonated drink called?

What do you call gym shoes?

What do you say to address a group of people?

What do you call the kind of spider that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs?

What do you call your grandparents?

What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket?  (I would also like to add that I call it a grocery store, not a supermarket)

What do you call it when the rain falls while the sun is shining?

What is the thing you use to change the TV channel?

Mending

I would be lying through my teeth if I said that I was over my breakup.  I am not.  Not even close.

My first serious relationship ended two weeks ago today.  For him, I'm sure it was clean cut.  But for me, it was not.  You remember how when you were a kid and you had a tooth that was so loose it was literally hanging by a single gummy thread?  You know that you should just pull the tooth because it hanging there is driving you nuts, but you don't want to because you're afraid it will hurt too much.  So you just let it hang until the tooth falls out on it's own.  It may fall off tomorrow.  It may take weeks or months.  That's how this break-up feels to me.  I don't want to just yank the tooth out because I know it's going to hurt a lot.  So it's just hanging there.

Adjusting to life without that someone is so difficult.  I know that all of you knew that already.  I knew that well before this relationship ever began. Everyday, I encounter countless moments that make me think "He would have gotten a kick out of that."  I find article/stories/pictures I would have posted on his Facebook wall.  I have personal triumphs that I would have boasted about to him.  I had a big test this morning.  I felt fantastic about how I did and my first instinct when I walked out of the classroom was to text him about how I did.  It wasn't until his name showed up on my phone screen that I realized that I couldn't do that anymore.  The triumph of acing the test didn't matter as much once I remembered that I can't share moments like that with him anymore.  And that's a really sad realization to face.  Those few minutes after the test, I was the most excited I've been about anything in 2 weeks.  To have to stop yourself from sharing that excitement with the person that you love is so disheartening.  It's heartbreaking.  I'm very lucky to have a wonderful friend that I could text to share my triumph with, one's who's already done so much for me throughout all of this.  But, I still miss getting to share those personal triumphs with him. I took a big step today and deleted his telephone number from my cell phone.  It was hard.  It hurt.  I hated doing it.  I hated myself for doing it.  But it was necessary.

Despite all of that, I honestly believe I've started to heal a little.  It's a very slow heal—just a tiny bit at a time.  But I think it's definitely there.  I've gotten some of my focus back (It's a miracle that I felt as good as I did about my test this morning considering I've had absolutely zero focus these past two weeks).  I actually felt cheery at work today.   I could feel the enthusiasm for school that I lost return a little bit today.  Very small things that I've always taken for granted are starting to peek their heads out from under the covers.  The hurt and the pain and the grief are not gone.  But they're becoming less consuming.  I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.  But I'm starting to hear rumors of its existence.  And I'm so grateful for that.  These past two weeks have been rough.  I've begged.  I'm pleaded.  I've sobbed.  I've cursed.  I've screamed.  I've had noise complaints from neighbors (so embarrassing). I've hurt the people who still love me.  I've lost my ever loving mind.  But you have to hit rock bottom before you can start making your way back to the surface.  I think I've hit that rock bottom (or at least I hope to God that I have.  Because if what I've experienced wasn't rock bottom, I'm terrified of what I'll find when I get there).

I think my mending has begun.  Little normalcies are making their way back. It's a very small start, but I'll take any sort of progress over where I've been.